67% Affectionate, 27% Excitable, 35% Hungry

    I'm alive. I'm not in the best of health, apparently, but I'm alive, at least. Lately I keep having these strange dizzy spells - I guess similar to that feeling you get when you stand up too fast, but I seem to be getting them all the time. Also, I occasionally lose my vision when this happens - everything just goes completely black for a few seconds and then fades back in. From my research (and the opinions of others,) it's most likely related to either low blood pressure or anemia, but I'm still terrified that I have like AIDS or something! D: There's no reason that I would have anything like that, but, you know, I'm irrationally paranoid. Even if it is low blood pressure I don't know how they're going to diagnose it, because I hate having my blood pressure taken and always freak out.. it's even to the point that I'd rather have my blood drawn than have my blood pressure taken. Serious.

    In other news, I've been depressed lately. Well, more like recently, as in the past three hours. I really, really hate school (still!) and feel like it's leading me nowhere. Sure, it might get me a decent paying job after four to six years of it, but it's just going to get me a job that I have zero interest in, but life goes on and then eventually I'd die without ever enjoying life. Ugh. I was reading some career advice yesterday and it advised me to create a list of things that I'm good at, and things that I like to do. There are plenty of things that I like to do, but there aren't any things that I really love to do. Oh, and the only thing that I seem to be truly good at is being depressed! -_- I thought about listing things like, I'm good at baking or cooking or flute or piano, but I'm really just decent, especially at the piano and flute. SIGH. I keep thinking, well, what do I want to do, then? I want to get married, have a son, and stay at home, but let's be realistic: this is the 21st century, right? Not going to happen. My second choice? Modeling, but that's also doubtful...

    For those of you who don't know, I attempted to go on a one-week fast.. you know, not eating for a week. I think I made it to something like 52 hours and lost five pounds, which finally classified me as having a normal BMI (instead of an overweight one.) But then I went on vacation for two weeks and gained it all back! >_< Ugh.. I really don't know what to do about my weight anymore. I know about proper dieting and counting calories and exercising and all that, I really do, and I've lost weight that way before, but for some reason I just don't have the motivation anymore? I don't know... all I know is that it's easiest to just stop eating, because when I do eat I can't seem to control myself. I definitely wouldn't be classified as having an eating disorder at the moment, but yes, I am concerned. I've even thought about making a serious attempt to "become" anorexic. To anyone who can convince me otherwise... I really wish you would.

  

X-posted to cat_macros and caturday.

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